Cultivating a healthy relationship while farming with your spouse.

Farming with your partner or spouse can be such a rich and meaningfully experience. But it certainly comes with it’s a load of challenges as anyone who farms with their spouse knows.

Here are a couple of principles and tricks that I have observed to be useful both in my personal experience and from what I observe with my clients.

Have clearly delineated domains of responsibility

When I look at successful older farm couples, this is one thing that is pretty universal. Having clearly defined responsibilities means that each person has one area of the farm where they are the ‘boss’. This doesn’t mean that our partner doesn’t consult us when making major decisions, but it does mean that in daily operations we agree to let go and let them have their way in this area of the farm.

In fact, clearly delineated responsibilities is a good practice on any farm regardless of if we’re farming with our spouse. Let’s face it, there are simply too many elements for one person to juggle all by themselves effectively. Having clear areas of responsibility ensures that things don’t fall between the cracks.

When deciding on the distinct areas of responsibility, it is important to distribute the  different types of tasks intentionally between the partners to ensure that each person can have their share of fulfilling and interesting activity. In this way both the ‘fun’ and ‘tedious’ tasks are shared between partners. I encourage you to have an open and frank discussion about each of your interests, strengths, and learning edges rather than simply taking on traditional gender roles (that can be very detrimental to the long-term development and well-being of the partner who takes on the often more isolating, sometimes menial and difficult “family” or ‘office’ tasks.) A well-balanced partnership on the farm is a strength, so be open to creating the space for each partner to take on responsibilities that nourish and fulfill them, even if this means thinking outside the box or needing to learn a new skill set.

Structured times to discuss the farm business

It’s amazing how simple yet powerful weekly big-picture meetings and daily check in’s can be. This creates clear and specific times to discuss the business and opens up the possibility of having times that are not business related (ie. avoiding the classic ‘talking about the farm in bed as we fall asleep’).

While on the topic of communication, I want to highlight the importance of cultivating discernment regarding ‘Is this actually a business conversation or an emotional request or need?’

There are certain topics which at first glance may appear to be about the farm, when in fact they are are a request for some emotional need.

Take for example one of my clients. Her farm has been experiencing some rapid and highly successful growth over the last 2-3 years. Every now and then her husband will say ‘Geez, I wish it was just the two of us and that we didn’t have these damn employees to manage!’

Up until now she has been getting very annoyed with these comments because she was seeing them as a business conversation and going straight to solution finding mode and feeling resentful because they had worked so hard to build a viable business model and anyways, farming ‘just the 2 of them’ is not and never was a sustainable model. The breakthrough occurred when she shifted from seeing them as a business conversation and started seeing these comments and an expression of an emotional need. Her husband was not saying ‘I want to talk about downsizing our business’. Rather, he was expressing nostalgia and a need for connection and quality time together. When she was able to discern this, she was able to shift and engage in the conversation rather than just shutting him down for even bringing up such a topic of conversation (again).

The point is, don’t take things at face value. Make it a habit to ask yourself ‘Is this truly a business conversation, or is there an emotional need seeking to be expressed?’

Take time to nurture the relationship!

This is true of any relationship but is extra critical for people farming with their husband, wife, or partner. This includes regular time off to do an activity other than farming… and it doesn’t matter if this just means an hour walking in the woods or half an hour to go get ice cream. The important part is to demonstrate to ourselves and our partner that our relationship is important to us and that we are willing to dedicate some time just to nurture it. And don’t forget to have fun!!! Both while working and on your dates!

Your turn!!

  • What do you appreciate most about your spouse? What’s their superpower?
  • What time of the week would be best for your weekly business meeting? Post a paper in a visible location where discussion topics can be gathered during the week. Check out this post for more on effective meetings.
  • What are you willing to do this week to nurture your relationship?

PS: If any of you are hurting out there right now… I feel your pain. I know how hard it can be when there is strife in a farming relationship. You’re not alone! There is help out there. I strongly encourage you to reach out and get the support you need to take your relationship to the next level!! Send me an email and it would be my pleasure to support you to see what kind of support would be useful for you. (Most likely not coaching, probably something more like couples therapy.) There are many helpful resources and methods out there that I may be able to guide you towards.

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